


What's a Starfish to Do?

by Sandersedge



Category: SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon)
Genre: Best Friends, Developing Relationship, Difficult Decisions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Loss of Virginity, Love, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, M/M, Mating, Mating Cycles/In Heat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:47:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28714521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandersedge/pseuds/Sandersedge
Summary: Patrick confesses something to SpongeBob, however SpongeBob doesn't really know how to react to it. This puts their once unbreakable friendship on thin ice. Can it be salvaged or will the two drift apart?
Relationships: SpongeBob SquarePants/Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants/Squidward Tentacles
Kudos: 14





	1. A Starfish in Heat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Skillet_Writer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skillet_Writer/gifts).



> This work comes from a cumulation of ideas presented to me by Skillet_Writer. I appreciate the prompts as they allowed me to write about something I wouldn't have normally written about and I'm happy with the way it all came together in one overarching story line.

Patrick laid on his bed staring up at the rock that covered his home. He hadn’t felt like this in what felt like forever, but there was something stirring inside of him. His body felt like it was trying to turn inside out and everything felt hot, causing sweat to bead and run down his pointy head. 

“I need to get some sleep,” Patrick said out loud to himself. 

Try as he might though, he couldn’t. He felt like he had a permanent sugar rush going on and had energy to spare. He didn’t know what to do, but since it was the wee hours of the morning, it wasn’t like he could go burn off the energy somewhere. 

Patrick crawled out of bed and started pacing around his hovel. He tried turning on the TV, but even that didn’t interest him. He then went to get something to eat, but even that wasn’t appealing to him right now, which concerned even him. 

Patrick knew what this was all about of course, he just didn’t want to admit it. In just a few short days the week long mating season would begin. He’d tried to participate in it before, but the distinct lack of other starfish in Bikini Bottom made his efforts all for naught. Sure he could travel, but there was no guarantee he’d be able to find a partner. 

“I need a girlfriend,” Patrick bemoaned. “I wonder if I should call Princess Mindy? Can I even mate with a mermaid?”

Deciding that he probably couldn’t and even if he could, he didn’t want to think about what a half starfish, half mermaid would look like. He sighed to himself, thankful that at least he hadn’t gone completely crazy just yet and could think somewhat rationally. 

“Maybe I just need to rub it out?” Patrick said to himself. 

He walked back to his bed and slipped off his underwear so that he was completely nude. He then laid down and closed his eyes to think about something sexy. Several images flickered through his head as he reached down between his legs and started to rub a sensitive area. This caused him to let out a groan of pleasure.

As he continued to rub, he was trying to lock onto a fantasy his imagination was brewing. However, it felt like a movie was being fast forwarded inside his brain. He couldn’t concentrate, but his hand was on autopilot as it continued to stroke. 

More grunts flowed from his mouth, he knew he was getting close and he knew he needed to find something to think about. Of course he could just ejaculate without any stimulus, but he always felt so unfilled if that were to happen. 

Finally, an image came into focus and moved to the front and center of his mind. It wasn’t what he’d expected and certainly not something he’d really thought of before.   
“Oh Neptune,” he felt his orgasm clawing to be released. “SpongeBob!!!!”

With that final moan, his semen poofed out from all around him and leached into the water, turning his home into a murky mess. His body continued to spasm as more and more cum flowed from him and he continued to rub, conflicted between stopping and continuing. 

A few minutes later another burst hit him while his mind was still firmly locked onto the image of SpongeBob frolicking through the jellyfishing fields naked. With a moan, a smaller cloud formed around him and all the tension released from his body. 

As he lay in bed, he couldn’t help but wonder why SpongeBob was what did it for him this time. Typically it was a beautiful mermaid or even Sandy, but never SpongeBob and certainly never a male. This made him feel conflicted, he wasn’t sure anymore if he was gay, straight, bi, or something else entirely. 

Patrick rolled over, too tired now to give it any more thought.


	2. This Is My Confession

Patrick awoke shortly before noon, he felt gross and was covered in his semen since he hadn’t cleaned up last night. He got out of bed and walked into the bathroom ready to take a shower and rinse the now crusty white film from his pink body. 

He let the water warm up and then stepped inside the shower. As he soaped up he started thinking about last night and how SpongeBob had filled his mind. New images started to flood into his consciousness too and he closed his eyes thinking about SpongeBob being in the shower with him. 

They’d take turns washing each other before locking their lips and eventually mating as the hot water poured over them. It made Patrick incredibly horny just thinking about it and before he knew it he’d dropped the soap and was rubbing in between his legs again. He let a moan escape as he pictured SpongeBob's little yellow naked body rubbing all over him. 

“SpongeBob,” Patrick whispered. “Right there, rub me right there,” 

A few more grunts and Patrick’s orgasm hit him, releasing a cloud of semen into the shower. Thankfully, the running water mostly pushed it downwards towards the drain so it wouldn’t cover him from head to toe. 

“I need to figure this out,” Patrick bent down and picked up the soap. 

After he was clean, Patrick emerged from the shower and completed his bathroom ritual. He then made his way to his closet and pulled out a fresh pair of Bermuda shorts. He briefly considered underwear, but he was feeling a bit chaffed down there from all the vigorous rubbing he’d done. With a sigh he slipped on the Bermuda shorts sans a pair of briefs and made his way out of his rock. 

His first stop, of course, was the Krusty Krab. It was lunchtime and he was hankering for one of those delicious patties. Patrick also felt compelled to see SpongeBob for some reason. He didn’t know how he was going to feel seeing his friend after the events of last night, but he craved looking at him as much as he craved a patty. 

Patrick opened the door to the Krusty Krab and waved at Squidward, who had his nose buried in a magazine. 

“Hi Squidward,” Patrick interrupted his reading. 

“What do you want Patrick?” Squidward said, trying to find his place again. 

“Ummmm,” Patrick was lost in thought. 

“Here you go!” SpongeBob popped out of the window with a fresh Krabby Patty on a plate. “One Krabby Patty for my best friend!” 

“H-how did you know?” Patrick didn’t know if he was stunned that his friend knew what he wanted or that he was laying his eyes on the beautiful creature. 

“You come in at the same time everyday,” Squidward remarked. “And you order the same thing. It’ll be $2.50.” 

Patrick rummaged around in his shorts and dumped a pile of change on the counter. Squidward sighed and scooped it all up, not even bothering to count it.

“Hey SpongeBob?” Patrick said before turning to go and sit down.

“Yes Patrick?” SpongeBob poked his head out the window again. 

“Can I come over tonight?” Patrick felt nervous. “I need some help with something.” 

“Sure thing buddy!” SpongeBob smiled. “I’ll be home around 6 and I just need to feed Gary.”

Patrick waved goodbye and went to sit down at a table. His mind was racing and he couldn’t believe that he had just asked SpongeBob like that. He didn’t know what he’d say to the sponge when he arrived at his house, but he knew if he didn’t talk to someone he’d go crazy. 

The rest of the day was pretty normal for Patrick. After leaving the Krusty Krab, he went back home and proceeded to watch several hours of TV. He would occasionally glance at the clock not wanting to be late to see SpongeBob.

Finally, the hour was here and with a deep breath he left his house and headed towards his neighbors. Once there, he knocked at the door and was greeted by his best friend. It took all of Patrick’s willpower not to jump the cute little yellow thing right then and there. Somehow he managed though and went inside the pineapple. 

“So what do you need help with?” SpongeBob asked, taking a seat in his chair. 

“SpongeBob?” Patrick began. “Have you ever mated before?”

“That’s a little personal isn’t it Patrick?” SpongeBob was caught off guard by the question. 

“Sorry,” Patrick felt bad for saying something now. “It’s just I’m having an issue and you’re the only one I can talk to.”

“OK Pat,” SpongeBob sighed. “No, I’ve never mated before. Heck, I haven’t even kissed anyone for that matter.”

“So do you want to mate someone?” Patrick fidgeted with his arms. 

“I..well..umm,” SpongeBob did want to mate someone, but didn’t really want to tell anyone, not even his best friend. “I guess I haven’t really thought about it. What are you getting at Patrick?” 

“You don’t think about mating?” Patrick was confused. “I thought everyone thought about it?”

“I mean, I guess sometimes,” SpongeBob felt uncomfortable. “But it’s not like it’s really front and center in my mind. I’m not sure what I’d even do if I thought about it.”

“You’d rub one out,” Patrick responded. 

“I’d what?” SpongeBob had no idea what that meant. “Rub what out?” 

“You know, make yourself cum?” Patrick couldn’t believe this. 

“Cum?” SpongeBob furrowed his brow. “Come where? Are we going somewhere?”

“No,” Patrick slapped his face with his arm. “You know you’d masturbate and make yourself...well you know.” 

“Sorry Pat,” SpongeBob played with his fingers. “I don’t really know. But what does this have to do with your problem?”

“Oh right,” Patrick switched gears. “See it’s nearly starfish mating season and I’m feeling weird. I’ve tried to mate before but it’s not like there are other starfish here in Bikini Bottom. I really don’t know what to do.”

“I’m probably not the best one to talk to about this,” SpongeBob replied. “Have you talked to Sandy? She’s way smarter than me.” 

“Does she even understand sea creatures?” Patrick asked. 

“Good point,” SpongeBob hated it when Pat was right like that. “So what are you going to do?”

“You see,” Patrick swallowed hard. “Last night I started having these feelings and I started touching myself. I typically start thinking about some hot mermaid babe or something, but last night I ummm....well I thought about you, then again this morning.”

“What are you saying Patrick?” SpongeBob was trying to process what his friend had just said. 

“I guess I want to know if you want to mate with me?” Patrick threw it out there. 

“You, want to mate me?” SpongeBob pointed at Patrick then himself. 

Patrick waited for SpongeBob to say something else, but the sponge just sat there with huge eyes that were staring off into the distance. Patrick began to feel uneasy and didn’t know if he should say anything or just get up and leave since he’d made a fool of himself. 

“Are you ok?” Patrick couldn’t take the silence anymore. 

“Patrick,” SpongeBob said in a level voice. “I need to be excused, why don’t you go home?”

“Ok,” Patrick felt tears starting to well up in his eyes. He stood up and ran to the door, then ran as fast as he could to his rock. Once inside he dove under the covers and bawled. 

Meanwhile back in the pineapple, SpongeBob was still sitting there stunned. Of course, he’d mate Patrick, he’d always had a secret crush on him but never wanted to say anything and risk their friendship. It was just that Patrick had asked at the worst possible time since things between SpongeBob and Squidward were starting to finally go the right way. 

“What should I do Gary?” SpongeBob looked at his snail.

“Meow?” Gary replied. 

“I mean Patrick is my best friend,” SpongeBob continued. “And it’s just that Squidward finally agreed to a date with me and I don’t want to blow it. If Squiddy found out I was mating Patrick, I’d never have a chance with that gorgeous octopus.”

“Meow,” Gary rolled his eyes.

“It is a problem!” SpongeBob said. “I love Patrick, he’s my best friend and I know how much this would mean to him. But I also really like Squiddy and want him to use those tentacles on me.”

“Meow!” Gary slithered back a bit. 

“Sorry,” SpongeBob looked at his pet. “That was a bit too much information. But still, I want to see where things go between Squiddy and I.”

“Meow,” Gary said and then turned to go upstairs.

“He’s probably right,” SpongeBob sighed. “I really should sleep on it.”


	3. Seeking Advice

That night while sleeping, SpongeBob was tossing and turning. He was conflicted about what had transpired hours before with Patrick and didn’t know what to do. What was even worse was the conflict was now starting to take over his dreams as well. 

Typically SpongeBob would dream about things that made for the best day ever. Things like jellyfishing, bubble blowing, or simply just running around with his friends while laughing and smiling. As he slept though, none of those things were surfacing. 

Instead, he was dreaming of a naked Patrick dancing around and planting kisses on his spongy body. This quickly transformed into Squidward pushing Patrick away before putting his tentacles all over him, slithering them in and out of his pores. Patrick then replaced Squidward and continued doing what he’d done before. 

The sequence went on like this until the blaring foghorn alarm clock jolted SpongeBob awake. 

“Ewww,” SpongeBob felt himself and looked at the bed. “What happened? I’m all sticky and my bed is soaked....oh wait...I know.”

SpongeBob felt dirty at what had happened. He hated it when he had “sticky dreams” and never really knew why they happened. All he did know was that it meant a load of laundry and a bunch of extra time in the shower cleaning out all his pores. Even then, he never felt completely clean right away. 

SpongeBob got out of bed and stripped the sheets, throwing them into a pile on the floor. He then peeled off his night clothes that clung to his body, feeling gross as he did it. He tossed them into the pile as well and then made his way into the shower. 

Forty minutes later SpongeBob felt as clean as he was going to get for now. He’s gone through nearly a bar of soap scrubbing himself from head to toe again and again. He’s also ruined several washcloths by jamming them into his pores and rubbing it back and forth like dental floss. 

After drying himself off, he got ready for work and then collected the pile of icky laundry to throw in the wash. He was running late due to all the extra time in the shower, but he managed to toss the clothes before dashing out the door in a full sprint to the Krusty Krab. 

“I beat you,” Squidward said looking at a magazine. 

“I--I--l lost track of time,” SpongeBob tried to catch his breath. 

“SpongeBob,” a voice bellowed from down the hall. “Come in here me boy.” 

“Yes Mr. Krabs,” SpongeBob looked at the floor and shuffled his way into his boss’s office. 

“Have a seat boyo,” Mr. Krabs pointed at the chair. 

“Look Mr. Krabs,” SpongeBob tried to hold back tears. “I’m sorry I was late it’ll never happen again I promise, I just lost tr--”

“I’m not mad at ye boy,” Mr. Krabs interrupted the sponge. “Look, ye are never late unless something is wrong. So out with it boyo, what’s eating at ya?” 

“I don’t want to bother you with my problems sir,” SpongeBob sniffled. 

“SpongeBob ye like a son to me,” Mr. Krabs said. “You can talk to me about anything.”

“I know sir,” SpongeBob wiped a tear. 

“So start talking my boy,” Mr. Krabs said. 

“It’s Patrick,” SpongeBob began. “He came over last night and told me that he mast-tur-bate-ted thinking about me and I didn’t know what that meant. Then he told me he wanted to mate me. It shocked me so much I asked him to leave. I threw my best friend out of my house.”

“I---” Mr. Krabs felt speechless, this was more than he’d bargained for. “I don’t know how to help ya SpongeBob. I guess, do ye want to have a relationship with Patrick?”

“Here’s the thing Mr. Krabs,” SpongeBob continued. “I like Patrick, he’s my best friend and I want to be there for him. I’d also mate him if it wasn’t for...ummm...well if it wasn’t for something else.” 

“Do ye have a girlfriend? Boyfriend?” Mr. Krabs asked.

“Not...exactly,” SpongeBob didn’t know if he should say anything about him and Squidward. The Krusty Krab employee handbook expressly forbade relationships between employees and he didn’t want to ruin anything. 

“What do you mean,” Mr. Krabs narrowed his eyes trying to sense something. 

“I mean I might?” SpongeBob wanted this conversation to end. 

“Wait,” Mr. Krabs had a sudden bout of clarity. “Ye and Mr. Squidward are dating aren’tcha?”

“I...ummm...welll,” SpongeBob stammered. 

“Don’t lie to me son,” Mr. Krabs sounded stern. 

“We’re not dating yet,” SpongeBob let out a sigh. “We have a date this weekend. I know it’s against the rules though and if you want me to call it off I will.” 

“SpongeBob,” Mr. Krabs leaned back and chuckled. “I know ya better than ye think I do. Ye’ve been longing after Mr. Squidward since you started working here, I can tell these things. Ya can’t help who ya fall in love with boyo. That rule is only in there because one of me past employees. I ain’t gonna stop ya from dating that octopus.” 

“Really Mr. Krabs?” SpongeBob perked up. 

“SpongeBob,” Mr. Krabs cleared his throat. “Ye are me best worker, why would I get rid of ya? Just don’t be letting ya relationship get in the way of making me money.”

“Aye aye sir,” SpongeBob saluted his boss. “But what do I do about Patrick?”

“I’m sorry son,” Mr. Krabs folded his claws together. “I’m not sure what to tell ya on that one. If it were me, I’d go on a date with Squidward, see how it goes, then figure it out.” 

“Of course!” SpongeBob smiled. “You’re the best Mr. Krabs.”

“Just looking out for ya boyo,” Mr. Krabs returned the smile. “Now get in the kitchen and make me some money!”


	4. Date Night

Days went by and SpongeBob didn’t so much as hear from Patrick. Despite not seeing the starfish though, Patrick was very much on SpongeBob’s mind. Throughout the day his thoughts would drift to him and at night, Patrick’s pink body would flood his dreams. 

Thankfully, his date with Squidward was tonight and he was looking forward to it. They were planning on going out to dinner and then they would head to an orchestra concert in the park. It wasn’t exactly what SpongeBob wanted to do, but he wanted to show the octopus that he could be mature and cultured. 

The day itself went by in a flash and once he was off work, SpongeBob ran home as fast as he could to get ready. In one fluid motion he stripped off his clothes and jumped into the shower. However, the images of Patrick came flooding back as he remembered trying to scrub himself clean the other day. He quickly pushed those thoughts aside though and tried to stay focused on the night ahead. 

After getting out of the shower, SpongeBob went to his closet and started flipping through his wardrobe. He wanted something more spiffy than his typical khaki shorts and white button up, but he didn’t want to be too formal. Also he knew the night would be cool, so he needed to plan accordingly. 

After staring at the clothes for what seemed like ages, SpongeBob finally settled on a pair of long khaki pants and a lightweight, black sweater. After dressing, he looked at himself in the mirror and smiled. He wasn’t used to seeing himself all dressed up, but really liked the way he looked. 

Before heading out the door, SpongeBob grabbed a small bottle of cologne off his dresser and misted it over him. He hadn’t had time to go out and buy a new bottle, so he hoped that Squidward liked the smell of fresh tropical fruits since that’s all he had. 

SpongeBob made his way downstairs just as Squidward was knocking at the door. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for the night not really knowing what was in store. 

“Hello Squidward,” SpongeBob smiled as he opened the door. 

“Well you look dashing,” Squidward chuckled. “Almost like you were trying to impress me or something.”

“What can I say?” SpongeBob giggled. “I clean up nice. You look handsome yourself. I rarely see you without your brown shirt, but that purple sweater looks marvelous on you.”

“Thank you,” Squidward wasn’t used to compliments. “Are you ready?” 

“I am,” SpongeBob said. This shocked Squidward as he was fully expecting the sponge to scream out “I’m Ready” over and over again. Maybe there was something different about “Date SpongeBob”? Squidward didn’t know, but he was certainly liking what he was seeing. 

The two made their way to Squidward’s boat and then took off in the direction of a bistro Squidward had picked out. 

“You can turn on the radio,” Squidward motioned to the center console. 

SpongeBob fiddled with the dials before landing on a smooth jazz station that was playing the latest from Kelpy G. Deciding he liked it, he sat back and swayed his foot along to the beat. 

“This is Kelpy G’s new song isn’t it?” SpongeBob asked Squidward. 

“Good ear SpongeBob,” Squidward smiled. “I didn’t know you were a fan.” 

“I’m trying to expand my horizons,” SpongeBob said. 

_Holy shrimp!_ Squidward thought to himself. _SpongeBob really is much different than I thought he was. I only agreed to this date because he is cute and I haven’t been out in ages....carefully Squiddy...you’re going to catch feelings and Neptune knows what that will mean._

Squidward pulled the boat into the parking lot of the bistro and the two of them made their way inside. SpongeBob flipped through the menu and was determined to find something that wasn’t fried for dinner.

When the waitress came back around, Squidward ordered a bowl of cream of broccoli soup and a small side salad. When the waitress turned to SpongeBob, Squidward was already trying to guess what his date would get. He’d seen fried oysters along with a fried patty sandwich that seemed to be a low rent copy of the Krabby Patty. However, to Squidward’s surprise, SpongeBob passed all the fried food and instead ordered a seaberry salad. 

_Who is this sponge and what has he done with SpongeBob?_ Squidward thought to himself. 

While they waited for their food to arrive, the couple sat and chatted. Squidward was certain that during their talk, SpongeBob would inevitably show his true colors again. But as they chatted, the conversation never once turned towards any of the things Squidward couldn't care less about. 

_Is it wrong for me to be catching feelings like this?_ Squidward’s mind was racing. _Maybe SpongeBob is just playing me? No...I can’t think like that. But what else could explain it? I’m legitimately having a wonderful time._

“Sorry?” Squidward snapped out of his thoughts. “What did you say SpongeBob?”

“That our food is here,” SpongeBob motioned to the waitress. “It looks delicious!” 

After the two had finished eating, the waitress came back around and set the bill on the table. Before Squidward could even react SpongeBob had scooped it up. 

“Allow me,” SpongeBob said. “You got the concert tickets afterall, so it only makes sense that I pay for dinner.” 

“Oh,” Squidward didn’t know how to respond. “Well thank you.” 

_Ok now this is getting to be too much!_ Squidward thought. _No...no...Squiddy calm down. SpongeBob is doing something nice for you and he did have a point about splitting the costs. Honestly this is the first date I’ve gone on in...longer than I can remember where I wasn’t forking out all my money. Barnacles, so does this mean SpongeBob is expecting sex tonight? Would that really be the worst thing in the wor--_

“Are you OK?” SpongeBob interrupted Squidward’s inner monologue. 

“Sorry,” Squidward felt awful for having zoned out for the second time tonight. “I was just trying to remember where I put the concert tickets.” 

“Ah,” SpongeBob giggled. “I too sometimes misplace things and need to try to retrace my steps in my head.” 

_Smooth Squiddy, real smooth._

“Here they are,” Squidward reached into his pants pocket and pulled out the ticket. “Let’s head out, the concert will be starting soon.” 

The two piled back into Squidward’s boat and headed for the park. While it was only a short drive, Squidward’s thoughts were still a mess. He didn’t know what to do, especially after the concert was over. He hadn’t planned on having sex tonight, or even fooling around. At most he thought maybe a goodnight kiss would be in order, but with the way SpongeBob was acting, it was making it difficult for him to want to leave it at that. 

They arrived at the park and Squidward pulled two chairs from the trunk before heading through the gate. After a short walk, they approached the concert area where they looked around for a place to set up their chairs. 

“How about right there?” SpongeBob pointed to a spot on one of the small hills that would give them a good view of the orchestra. 

“Sounds great,” Squidward replied. “Here can you set up the chairs? I’m going to go get us something to drink.”

“Will do Squiddy,” SpongeBob flashed a toothy smile. 

Squidward sighed and turned to go look for a place to get a drink. He knew that these types of things often had vendors selling wine and with the way he was feeling right now he could use a glass or three. 

“Two Lambruscos please,” Squidward asked the vendor once he’d found them. He wasn’t much for sweet wine, but he figured SpongeBob would loathe the taste of something dry. 

Returning to the chairs, Squidward handed over one of the glasses to SpongeBob who took it and looked at it funny. 

“Sorry,” Squidward said. “I wasn’t sure if you liked red or white wine, so I just got you something sweet. I figured you weren’t a dry wine kind of a sponge.” 

“Thank you,” SpongeBob took a sip of the wine. It was the first time he’d ever drank anything remotely alcoholic before and didn’t know the difference between any two types of wine. Still as he took a second sip, he thought it was quite good.

A short time later the concert began. SpongeBob kept sipping at his wine and once the buzz started to hit him, he felt like he was floating on the music notes. It was a weird feeling for sure, but not an unpleasant one by any means. 

At intermission Squidward went to fetch two more glasses of wine, while SpongeBob was having a hard time composing himself. No one had really ever told him what the effects of alcohol were, but he likened it too having one too many ice creams at the Goofy Goober. 

Squidward returned just before the second half began. SpongeBob went back into his little trance as he continued to sip on his drink and feel like he was floating around. However, something else was coming over SpongeBob too, for once the idea of mating was coming to the forefront of his mind. He didn’t really know why, but as he listened to the music he fantasized about Squidward’s naked body and all those tentacles weaving their way in and out of his pores. 

Unaware of how much he was getting into his daydream, SpongeBob let a little moan escape his lips, which startled Squidward. 

“What was the SpongeBob?” Squidward tried playing it cool. 

“Just clearing my throat,” SpongeBob replied, his words slightly slurred. 

_Way to go Squiddy!_ Squidward chastised himself. _You got the sponge drunk and apparently when he’s drunk he gets horny. Barnacles. So am I supposed to have sex with him tonight or not? I mean I wouldn’t turn it down, but the sponge is drunk. I’m not that kind of octopus am I?_


	5. I've Never Done This Before

“I’ve never done this before,” SpogneBob said as he sat on Squidward’s bed.

“You’re a virgin?” Squidward was a bit shocked, he was sure SpongeBob had coupled with Patrick at least once before. 

“Sorry Squiddy,” SpongeBob looked at the ground. “Please don’t be mad.”

“Mad?” Squidward cocked his brow. “Why would I be mad? Everyone has their first time at some point. So here, let’s take it slow. You’re sure you want to do this right?”

“Yes Squiddy,” SpongeBob didn’t know if he wanted to do it or not, but between the fog of the alcohol and the overwhelming horiness he couldn’t say no. 

“So how do I do this?” Squidward looked down at SpongeBob. 

“W-what do you mean?” SpongeBob had just told him he’d never done this before so why was Squidward asking him about what to do?

“We’ll just wing it,” Squidward leaned in to kiss SpongeBob. 

Their lips met and SpongeBob tried to mimic what Squidward was doing. It was strange to say the least and having a tongue flick in and out of his mouth was borderline gross for the sponge, but at the same time he liked it. 

Squidward’s tentacles started rubbing over SpongeBob’s clothes and trying to undo his belt as the kiss continued. After a few tried, the octopus managed and let the trousers fall to the floor. Squidward then broke the kiss and helped SpongeBob lift his sweater over his head before laying him down on the mattress. 

As he lay there, SpongeBob could feel his heart pounding. This was really going to happen and it was going to happen with someone he’d dreamed about for so long. 

SpongeBob’s uneasiness quickly melted away as Squidward started kissing down his little yellow body, stopping just before the waistband of his briefs. After a slight pause, Squidward took the waistband in his teeth and slipped the underwear off, leaving SpongeBob laid out in all his glory. 

Squidward disrobed himself and went over to drape his clothes on the back of a chair. He didn’t want to wrinkle them after all. Then he returned the sponge and gave the beautiful creature a once over. 

“Ok so how do I do this?” Squidward asked the question again. 

“Do what?” SpongeBob said softly.

“You know,” Squidward tried to think what SpongeBob would call sex. “How do we mate? You don’t really have anything that suggests you’re...ummm...equipped for it.”

“Wait what?” SpongeBob felt confused. 

“Do you have a mating arm?” Squidward slid his out for SpongeBob to see. “Or I guess a mating hole...err pore?” 

“Wow that’s enormous,” SpongeBob looked in awe at Squidward’s mating arm. He’d often wondered why Squidward only had six legs if he was an octopus, or rather seven if you counted his nose. “I’ve never seen anything like that before. It’s just so big. C-can can I touch it?”

_Ok we will put the what hole talk on hold for a second_ Squidward thought. 

“Of course,” Squidward walked over to SpongeBob, who immediately began feeling it with his hands. It was so smooth and the little suction cups on the underside intrigued the sponge immensely as he played with them. 

While this wasn’t exactly what Squidward had in mind, it certainly felt good for someone else to be playing with his mating arm instead of himself. 

“If you slide your hands up and down it feels really good,” Squidward let out a little moan. “Or if you want, you can put it in your mouth, just watch your teeth, but that’s only if you want too.”

SpongeBob started fiddling around and eventually found a good hold on the mating arm. He then started to move his hands up and down the entire length of Squidward’s member. The octopus didn’t really know what to make of it, he was more of a hard and fast sort of a guy but this gentle, full length, shaft stroking was certainly doing it for him at this moment. 

Squidward closed his eyes and laid back on the bed to enjoy the feeling. As he did so, he soon had a warm, wet feeling on the tip of his mating arm. 

“Oh Neptune,” Squidward grunt as SpongeBob tried to fit as much in his mouth as he could. 

Finding the feeling a funny one, SpongeBob was using his tongue to latch onto the suction cups and then pull it off with a pop. Every time he’d pop it off, Squidward would let out a moan too, which only pushed SpongeBob to keep going. 

“Stop Sponge,” Squidward finally said. 

“Did I hurt you?” SpongeBob sounded panicked. 

“No, no,” Squidward shook his head. “I just don’t want to cum just yet. How about I return the favor?” 

“Wha-I mean OK,” SpongeBob still didn’t really know what cum was, but figured he’d just leave it. He also wasn’t sure what Squidward was going to do to return the favor. 

“Lay back,” Squidward motioned to the sponge. “Which pores work the best for this?” 

“I’m not really sure,” SpongeBob confessed. 

“This one” Squidward’s tongue rimmed a pore making SpongeBob moan out. “Oh maybe this one is better? Or this one?”

Squidward teased SpongeBob giving each pore a lick as he worked his way down the sponge’s body. He eventually came to rest in between SpongeBob’s legs, but before he could lick one tiny little pore, SpongeBob bolted upright. 

“No!” SpongeBob gasped. “Not that one...that’s my...ummm...my ‘special pore’.”

“Special pore?” Now it was time for Squidward to be confused. “Like your favorite one or something?”

“No it’s my...private area,” SpongeBob felt embarrassed. “No one is supposed to touch it.” 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to at least try?” Squidward now knew where SpongeBob’s mating organ was. He didn’t really know what it was called or what it did per say, but at least he knew that was where he should stick his mating arm. 

“O-ok” SpongeBob let the alcohol speak for him. 

“If you get uncomfortable let me know,” Squidward reassured his partner. “It will be alright.” 

Squidward went back to SpongeBob’s special pore and started rimming his tongue around it. Unlike the other pores, he didn’t tease this one, but rather began working his mouth around the opening. This caused SpongeBob to moan loud and start thrashing on the bed. 

“Oh fuck,” SpongeBob groaned. This took Squidward completely by surprise. In all the years he’d known the sponge, he never once uttered a single swear word. Squidward was shocked that SpongeBob even knew what the word ‘fuck’ even was. Still, he took it as a sign he was doing something right. 

“Are you ready for my mating arm?” Squidward looking up from in between the sponge’s legs. 

“Wait,” SpongeBob was out of breath. “You’re going to put that huge thing in my...my...special place? Will it fit?” 

“I mean you’re pretty pliable right?” Squidward tried to lighten the mood. Honestly, he had no idea if it would fit or how it would feel. “Tell you what, I’ll go very slow and if you need me to stop just say the word, ok?” 

“O-o-ok,” SpongeBob had a mix of emotions. He was still drunk and horny, but he was sober enough to realize that he was about to lose his virginity. “I’ve never done this before Squiddy.”

“I’ll take it easy,” Squidward replied. “I’ll do my best to make it feel extra special for you.” 

SpongeBob nodded and Squidward reached into his nightstand drawer, pulling out a bottle of lube, squirting a healthy dose of it on his mating arm. He then slathered all the way down his shaft. It was pretty optimistic thinking he could fit all of it in the sponge, but wanted to be ready just in case. 

Squidward leaned forward and kissed SpongeBob, before teasing his tight pore with the tip of his mating arm. SpongeBob gasped at the feeling, but Squidward kept kissing him and stroking his body to keep him relaxed. 

Once SpongeBob was used to the feeling, Squidward started sliding his mating arm inside the sponge with each suction cup popping along the way. SpongeBob’s eyes were rolled back into his head and his tongue was hanging out of his mouth. He looked like he was in overwhelming ecstasy and Squidward was happy that his partner seemed to be enjoying it. 

Much to Squidward’s surprise, he managed to get almost three quarters of his mating arm inside the sponge before it hit what felt like a spongy wall. Now knowing just how deep he could go, Squidward started thrusting his hips back and forth driving his mating arm in and out of the sponge. 

The mostly lifeless SpongeBob sprang up at the feeling. It hurt, but the pain was being washed out by what SpongeBob could only describe as having a 100 best days ever all at once. As Squidward worked in and out, SpongeBob was screaming, moaning, and grunting with every movement of the octopus’s member. 

SpongeBob’s favorite part was the way the suction cups would stick momentarily to him and then pop off. Every little pop caused a bolt of electricity to surge through him and ran from his toes to the top of his head. 

“Are. You. Ok?” Squidward said in between thrusts. 

“Neptune yes,” SpongeBob shrieked. 

“Are you close?” Squidward asked. 

“Close to wh-” SpongeBob was abruptly cut off by an explosion within. His body went tense, vibrated a bit, then gushed cum from every pore as he spasmed and moaned. The sight of this sent Squidward over the edge too and with his own bellow, he deposited his load deep into SpongeBob’s core which quickly started seeping out of the sponge. 

“Holy Shrimp,” Squidward tried to catch his breath. “That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Yes it was very warm,” SpongeBob’s eyelids were half closed and he was barely moving as he laid in a puddle of bodily fluids. 

“That’s not wh--” Squidward stopped. “Nevermind. That was incredible though. How was your first time? Everything you thought it would be?”

“Everything and more,” SpongeBob whispered. 

“So this may seem weird,” Squidward couldn’t believe what he was about to say. “But do you want to spend the night?” 

“I’d love too,” SpongeBob smiled, still in a state of bliss. 

“Let’s change the sheets first,” Squidward laughed. 

Meanwhile, outside the Moai headed house, a pink starfish stared up at Squidward’s bedroom window. He was seething mad, but at the same time felt a sense of inner pain that he’d never experienced before. He wanted to punch someone and cry all at the same time. 

“I thought you were my friend,” Patrick said through tears and then proceeded to punch himself in the stomach. “Oof. You won’t mate me but you’ll mate with that stinky old octopus. Well SpongeBob you’re a bad friend!”


	6. You Hurt Me SpongeBob

In the days following their date, SpongeBob and Squidward grew closer. They were now spending most nights at each other’s house. Squidward even joined SpongeBob in the jellyfishing fields, which to his surprise he really enjoyed. 

Off to the side in all this was Patrick. He and SpongeBob still hadn’t talked since that fateful night inside the pineapple when he’d asked his friend if they could mate. Patrick knew he could be the bigger starfish and break the silence, but he didn’t even know what to say to his friend. All he wanted to do was punch him in his stupid yellow head over and over again until the pain went away. 

Patrick’s desire to repair their friendship was one sided though. SpongeBob had completely forgotten about Patrick. Everything SpongeBob would once do with the starfish, he was now doing with his new boyfriend, Squidward. Patrick took notice of this too and it only amplified the emotional pain he was feeling. 

This continued on too. At first it was a week, then that week turned into a month, and that month turned into another. Before Patrick realized it, it'd been nearly a year since he'd spoken to SpongeBob, despite living next door. Of course, they did see each other occasionally, but SpongeBob acted like Patrick was completely invisible and didn’t even register that the starfish was looking at him. 

One night while Patrick was lingering outside staring at his friend’s pineapple, he heard a shrill scream echo through the night. He figured that Squidward and SpongeBob must be have crazy sex again, but as soon as the screams died down he heard the fimilar sound of SpongeBob’s voice scream out “Yes, of course I’ll marry you.” 

“I guess that’s the end of that,” Patrick said with tears running down his face. “I truly no longer have a chance anymore.” 

Patrick sulked back to his rock and jumped into bed, sobbing himself into a restless sleep. 

The next morning Patrick was awoken by a knocking sound on his rock. He still felt groggy, but he pulled himself out of bed and went to see who it was. He hadn’t been expecting anybody and hoped it was someone he could just tell to go away. When he lifted up his rock though, to his surprise it was SpongeBob. 

“SpongeBob?” Patrick couldn’t believe his eyes. “What are you doing here?” 

“Patrick,” SpongeBob was already starting to tear up. “Can we talk?” 

“I’m listening,” Patrick was conflicted on whether he should tell SpongeBob to go pound sand or actually hear him out. He figured it couldn’t hurt to see what his former best friend had to say. 

“I’m sorry,” SpongeBob let tears run down his face. “I’ve been a horrible sponge and you never deserved any of this. I don’t know what I can say or what I can do, but I just want you to know that I’m sorry.” 

“Why did you hurt me like that?” Patrick was now crying too. 

“I don’t know,” SpongeBob rubbed his eyes. “Can I come in so we can talk some more, or do you maybe want to go to my house?”

“Sure come in, Patrick said against his better judgement. 

SpongeBob went inside the house and took a seat on the couch. He’d rehearsed what he wanted to say all morning but now that the time was here, he couldn’t seem to get it out. 

“Patrick,” SpongeBob cleared his throat. “When you first came to me and said you wanted to mate, I didn’t know what to do. I had finally gotten a date with Squidward and didn’t want to blow it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was just scared. I knew it hurt you and I wanted to give you time, but in the process I seemed to have lost sight of what’s important in life, my friends.” 

“But why didn’t you talk to me sooner?” Patrick felt angry. 

“I got so preoccupied with Squidward,” SpongeBob continued. “Before I knew it, him and I were doing everything together and I was so happy to have a boyfriend that I just spent all my energy on him.” 

“Why Squidward though?” Patrick asked. “I thought he hated you?”

“He’d had a crush on me for a long time,” SpongeBob confessed. “He just acted like that because he didn’t want to admit it. When he finally did, I thought I was going to explode.” 

“But why him and not me?” Patrick wanted a better explanation. 

“I was conflicted the day you came to my house,’ SpongeBob went on. “I wanted to be with you, but I wanted to give Squidward a chance. Squidward and I ended up working out. If we hadn’t, I was going to let him go and then see where life took me, meaning it could’ve been you.” 

“So I was your second choice then?” Patrick felt hurt. 

“No, that’s not it,” SpongeBob realized what he’d said came out that way. “If you’d talked to me sooner about all this, I would’ve jumped at the chance to be with you. Truth is, I was scared about a relationship and was scared about mating.” 

“But you had sex with Squidward on your first date!” Patrick said. 

“True,” SpongeBob cocked his brow. “How did you know that?”

“You weren’t exactly quiet,” Patrick huffed. “I’m surprised the entire town didn’t hear you.”

“Oh,” SpongeBob blushed. “Well it’s true we mated on our first date, but I kind of regretted it at first. I had wine and was feeling weird. Squidward didn’t force me or anything, but I didn’t feel scared at that moment.”

“So if you’d been drunk you would’ve fucked me?” Patrick was getting angry again. 

“Patrick,” SpongeBob was at a loss. “I don’t know what to say. Look I liked you, loved you even, you were my best friend from the time we were just little ones. I couldn’t tell you though because I was scared and when you came to me, it was already too late. I’m sorry, I don’t know what I can say or do, but I want you to know that I’m sorry.” 

“Do you know how bad this hurt!” Patrick barked. 

“No I don’t,” SpongeBob was sobbing. “Patrick, I don’t know what you went through, but I know it was my fault. I want us to be friends again, best friends. I’m getting married to Squidward, which is something you probably don’t want to hear right now, but I’m in need of a best man and you’re the best man I know. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I’d like you there during that special day.”

“Wait,” Patrick froze. “You want to be friends again?”

“I know it’s unfair of me to ask that,” SpongeBob let the tears flow. “But you’re reall-”

“Stop,” Patrick held up his hand. “I was angry because I thought you were telling me all this and didn’t want to be my friend? Look what you did hurt and it still hurts. But all I ever wanted was to be your friend again, your best friend. Do I wish it was me instead of Squidward? I do. But when it became clear that it wasn’t going to happen, all I wanted was to be your friend.” 

“Patrick,” SpongeBob looked through his tears. “I want to be your best friend, I want you in my life, I want you at my wedding, and if little ones come along, I want you to be their uncle.”

“I want to be your friend too,” Patrick lowered his voice.

“Then let’s be friends,” SpongeBob held out his arms. 

“Then let’s be friends,” Patrick repeated and hugged SpongeBob as the tears started to flow. 

“So about that best man job then?” SpongeBob asked after a few minutes of hugging. 

“Well I am the best man in Bikini Bottom,” Patrick smirked. “So of course it makes sense that it’s me.” 

“Really?!?” SpongeBob shouted. “Oh thank you Patrick! You’re really going to make that day the BEST. DAY. EVER!”


	7. Best Friends Until the End

The day had come for SpongeBob and Squidward’s wedding and the sponge was a nervous wreck. He was pacing around his room in a frenzy and felt like he was going to be sick. He didn’t know why he felt that way, it wasn’t like Squidward was going to tell him no, but everything seemed like such a big deal. 

“Relax SpongeBob,” Patrick said. “Come here for a minute.” 

SpongeBob walked over to his best friend. Patrick held out his arm and placed it on SpongeBob’s shoulder. 

“Your tie is messed up,” Patrick said, adjusting the white bow tie. “There, you’re perfect now. Can’t have you looking like a goof out there.” 

“Thanks Patrick,” SpongeBob smiled. “It means the world to me that you’re here.” 

It was the truth too. After that day where the two had their conversation in Patrick’s house, things had been a little rocky. There were arguments, old wounds were sometimes opened, and there were days where they wouldn’t speak to one another. However, after several months, the two continued to repair their relationship. It wasn’t exactly what it was before, but it was at the point where they could call each other best friends again without it being a lie.

“SpongeBob,” Mr. Krabs' daughter Pearl was knocking on the door. She’d decided on becoming a wedding planner after graduating high-school. With her knack for math, upbeat attitude, and her business savvy learned from her dad, she quickly became one of the most sought after planners in the South Pacific. 

“Yes Pearl?” SpongeBob said, trying not to sound nervous. 

“Are you ready?” Pearl asked keeping the door open just a crack in case SpongeBob wasn’t decent. 

“I’M READY!” SpongeBob shouted and jumped into the air. 

With Patrick by his side, SpongeBob made his way downstairs and stood at his backdoor. 

“You can do this buddy,” Patrick said. “I’m right here with you.”

“Thank you,” SpongeBob hugged his friend. 

The two made their way out of pineapple and into the backyard. All of Squidward and SpongeBob's friends and family were there. It was a wonderful sight for SpongeBob to see and he was even happier to have his best friend there. It felt complete and it just wouldn’t be the same without him. 

The wedding was a quick and joyous one. When the officiant pronounced Squidward partners for life, Patrick was the first one to scream out hooray as the two kissed. 

At the reception, which was in Squidward’s backyard, there was more celebrating from everyone. Patrick was a bit nervous though, he’d been asked by Pearl to write a best man speech and it was really the first time he’d ever really had to do that. When he’d asked Pearl what he should write, she told him to make it from the heart.

Pearl pushed a button on her headset and announced to the guests that it was now time for the best man’s speech and then clinked a glass. Patrick stood up and pulled a crumpled sheet of paper from his pocket, then cleared his throat. 

“SpongeBob,” he began. “I’ve known you for longer than I can remember and we’ve always been the best of friends. We’ve had our difference over the years and haven’t always seen eye to eye on things, but the one thing that remained was that we were best friends. When Squidward came along, I didn’t know how to act and it hurt our friendship. But because we are the best of friends, we eventually patched up our differences and now I couldn’t be happier for the two of you. SpongeBob, Squidward you two are perfect for one another and I’m happy to be here today, standing by your side to celebrate this occasion. 

Squidward, please take care of SpongeBob, he’s important to me and he deserves all the best in the world. 

SpongeBob, you are my best friend and will always be my best friend. I love you and hope that your life with Squidward is full of happiness.”

SpongeBob was in tears as Patrick finished his speech and jumped up to give him a big hug. Even Squidward was tearing up slightly at the beautiful words he didn’t know Patrick was capable of. 

“I love you too,” SpongeBob said through his tears to Patrick. “Best friend.”


End file.
